What’s the point of anything anymore
So I’m due next month and my car just went and my rent is due, my electric bill is over due with a shut off notice. It’s also winter right now where I live and my job has been giving me one day a week basically for the past few weeks. My car payment still needs to be paid my car insurance still needs to be paid and the bills just keep piling up. I don’t know what to do and I’m freaking out. I have a one year old already and trying to keep her on her schedule is hard enough and now I got to go out of work soon cause can’t work for much longer and I just don’t know how we are going to survive this Christmas is going to be a hard one I just hope that my daughter won’t notice and we have to keep up the act of Santa when we have basically no money it’s just like one thing right after the other I can’t seem to catch a break.😩😭😰🤯
I have a hard time remembering things but now that I’m pregnant and raising my daughter who is already her and not being able to take my medication that helps me remember things is driving me a little crazy! I’m managing it well though but some days are better then others and it doesn’t help that my daughter is now starting her terrible twos and omg are they terrible! It’s so hard for me to hold her when she’s throwing a fit and my stomach being so big, like today when she kicked me in the stomach as she’s throwing her fit cause I said no. I tell her that’s not how we behave and she needs to calm down but she just doesn’t listen when she’s upset and I’m doing the best I can! It can be so stressful being a mom but I still can’t imagine my life without her. Like tonight she wanted all my attention she wouldn’t go to sleep unless she was laying on top of me and I love that she loves to cuddle but with being pregnant it’s kinda hard to cuddle but I just let her lay on me it wasn’t bad and I’m fine and she is asleep. I just wish I knew how to get her to communicate with me more she knows how to talk it’s weather or not she wants to talk and it gets so frustrating when she throws a fit instead of telling me what she wants or needs. Also work has been so draining lately and it’s not even that hard but when I come home I wanna sleep but I can’t cause I watch her while her father is at work and I try to do fun things with her like painting, coloring, playing with her toys, or even watching movies or making things but I’m always so tired and I feel bad for just wanting to sleep all the time but I force myself to be awake and try to do things to make her laugh and smile I’d do anything for those things I just want her to be happy and healthy! I also cannot wait for her sister to be born so I can have my body back and start exercising again and get back to the weight I want to be at I also wanna work on myself a little I know I sound selfish but I still need to take care of myself as well to be a better person and a better mom. It’s just hard to find time lately.
I’m fine with having only girls but the family members and my fiancé all want me to have a boy but I don’t want to go through anymore pregnancy I don’t even want to go through this pregnancy and they all try to make me feel bad about it but it’s my body and what I want! You don’t have to deal with the pain, the food changes, the amount of water intake, the Dr appointments, the shots, the test, the sleepless nights, the aces, not fitting into my clothes, feeling unattractive, not able to do a lot of things I’d normally be able to do while not being pregnant, not having a moment to myself, the mood swings, the cravings, the waddling, the worrying, and so much more I can keep going on but the point is I am the one who has to go through all that and I never get a break from it so sorry but no I don’t want any more after I give birth to my daughter. My feelings and what I want are not meet or cared about when I say I don’t want anymore and they respond with “how can you not give me a grandson or a boy or even give your fiancé a boy it’s always boy and girl or I even heard you have to keep trying till you have a boy” ummm let me stop you there I don’t have to have a boy and I most certainly don’t have to keep having babies till I have a boy! I feel so sick with everyone who keeps trying to pressure me into having more babies when I don’t want any more.
I use to think I was tired before I even had children, oh my was I wrong I’m not only physically tired but some days emotionally tired. I constantly worry about my children even on things I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it I just keep on worrying which cause me to become tired. Not to mention how hard it is to get my daughter to go to sleep at night it can be a battle some nights and easy as pie the next. Mom life isn’t what I always pictured it would be but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I sometimes even find myself taking a nap with her and when I wake up I get all stressed because 9 out of 10 I needed to get something done while she was sleeping cause now that she’s mobile it’s even harder to get things done. Not to mention that the second I’m not paying attention to her she immediately wants me to pay attention to her and will do anything to get my attention. Which can be hard at times and a little funny at others like when I have to do the dishes and she will walk right in front of where I am doing the dishes already and try to make no room for me to do the dishes and sometimes even try to push me out so I can’t reach the sink. I feel bad I can’t give her attention 24/7 but I feel bad when I can’t but I can’t put the things I need to get done off either. So yeah it’s hard but I’m making it work and still loving every moment of it. She makes me a better person and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her!
Thanks for joining me!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton